ping pong

it was supposed to be a fun adventure - an adventure into the realm of that infamous bangkok treat. but it wasn't. it turned out to be one of those experiences you'd like to relay to other people, not because you enjoyed it… but because you want them to avoid the same fate and regal them with a peculiar cultural phenomenon, somewhat akin to the numerous talent shows on tv. i've already heard of this as early as 1999 from one of the worst ever instructors i had during my UP days (clue: he used to teach comm 191 - ethics and used to be a member of the journalism department). mr. r, in one of those boring meetings, told us that talented girls in bangkok's patpong area empty a bottle of 8-ounce coke into their vaginas and can actually put the entire softdrink content back to the bottle… all part of what patpong touts openly advertise to tourists in an area where you can also buy fake rolex and LVs. i've been to bangkok a few times already, but i didn't have a chance to visually sample this strange tourist trap called ping pong show, until this early march.

just as wide-eyed as primary school freshies, we went to soi patpong, silom area after a very nice dinner at ban khun mae in siam square. not too long, we met a boylady (butch lesbian) who we branded as aiza, one of those street callers flitting around the area to shepherd tourists in one of the bars that headline ping pong shows. she didn't exactly look like aiza seguerra but she'd fall into that typical tibo look - crop-haired, short, overly manly… hence aiza. she offered the show for 300 baht, but of course we won't pay much, so haggle we did. we settled for 200 baht - with beer and the show. pure fun and exposure as expectations, off we went up the bar called perfect bar.

i already noticed that there are not too many customers that tuesday night. apart from the four of us, there were just another group of three on the left side of the stage. when we entered, there already was a girl blowing horn on the stage. she was using a horn much like what potpot, the typical urban magbobote used when going around barangays. of course, she wasn't blowing the horn through her mouth but through that other orifice, using ultra cervical muscle control. beer was served and the second act was already underway… another girl lied down on stage, lit a cigarette and smoked it using her vagina. a few more vaginal puffs and the cigarette was done… as they say in pilipinas got talent, it was a yes for me! after this act, a really fat ladyboy went up to me asking me to buy her lady's drink. thanks to arms, we were able to shoo him away and avoided paying for another 300 baht, especially when he didn't do anything at all.

i can't remember if the same girl did the first two acts, but i just knew that the ones doing the act are totally unattractive. they look like spent lifesize voodoo dolls who make use of their super talented clits to make a living. there were also some four to five other girls on the stage, topless, standing but pretending to gyrate in cabaret sounds. they're supposed to be doing erotic dancing but they just stood there with almost zero energy. among those chiwariwap girls, there was only one who could pass to be attractive enough… really curvy, fair-skinned, tall and have boldstar-material tits. of course, this one was easily the best-looking that you'd immediately think that her body was manufactured, especially her maui taylor-like boobs. upon more careful observation, my initial thoughts were true… she's actually an operated ladyboy.

anyway, after the two acts, two girls approached us to ask for tips for the ping pong girls. we were talking among ourselves, asking how much to give… when from out of nowhere, a sudden gush of water blew to our direction and completely doused mia. before we were made busy by the girls asking for tip, we already noticed that a girl came up to the stage and had two bottles. she was striking these bottles violently and it turned out that she needed this process in order for her to remove the bottle crown using her inner thigh and pelvic muscles, close to her vaginal canal. that third act was not enjoyable at all. we didn't know what kind of liquid was vaginally and forcefully siphoned to our direction but we knew that this was some soda water, otherwise it won't erupt like it did. i thought that they specifically did that to startle us so that we'd be forced or be fascinated to give a tip. unfortunately for them, we weren't… rounds one to three to the four cheapo pinoys!

the ladies asking for tips came back to their stations, as a new girl was coming on to the stage. she had a small basket of white ping pong balls. as experienced as she appeared to be, she took her bikini off and took to the position - flying V, with both legs spread eagled to our direction. the first ball came close to my direction, flew out of her vagina to her left. her succeeding balls still flew to her left and i felt that she was actually targeting me. but these first few balls still didn't have the accuracy and needed acceleration to travel far and beyond the sides of our table. however, just like a tennis ball machine used by rafa and maria during their trainings, the lady in no time got her groove on and soon was cannoning ping pong balls to our directions. i would imagine that this act would be similar how professor trelawney would have heaved her crystal balls towards death eaters in the final chapter of harry potter! her talented vagina and its marvelous might continued to fling cannon throws to our direction that arms even picked one of those wet balls. after about 20 balls flung, pitched and lobbed here and there, the act was finished. while arms picked one with her bare hand, the chiwariwap girls actually had catch basket to pick up the ping pong balls. clapping our hands, i think this is what we hoped to see. looking back, we thought that she actually needed to insert one or two ping pong balls inside her vagina in order to fling the balls out. similar to how bata reyes or django would sargo nine balls in billiards, she would need a cue ball to slingshot the ball on top to her audience's direction. we won't know for sure.

after this one, the girls came up to us again to ask for tip. and again, we told them that we'd give a little later. in what would be the final act of this show, a girl came on to the stage holding a quasi-cake with around 12 esperma-looking candles. she sat on stage, lit all the candles and took to that now familiar position. spread-eagled with the cake in front of her vagina, she started to blow the candles… one by one! with her vast experience, she put out the candlelight as methodical as nadal would put away a forehand winner. the candles were arranged in three rows, four candles on each and her vaginal blows were accurately aimed at only one candle each time. you would imagine that her orifice, as wide as it is, would spread the blows uncontrollably that all or at least two candlelight will be put off. but her amazing vaginal prowess came with athlete-like control that she was able to direct the air deliberately. at that point, i was amazed… two yeses from me! of course, she might be using some version of tooter to blow air from her vagina, otherwise the air would just be released ala fart.

[first of two parts]